Tag: Spilled Words

September 14, 2023

It probably goes without saying…

I realize this probably goes without saying, but I don’t like my job.

I spent 3 hours yesterday trying to fit a project portfolio onto a one-page presentation.

It is ironic that a year ago, I left a company for a project manager role because I no longer wanted to do training or write processes and procedures but focus on project management. For the past year, I have been writing processes and procedures as a project manager.

The crazier thing is I shared that reason with my boss when she interviewed me last year. I guess being transparent makes you invisible.

I shouldn’t complain. My bills are getting paid.

Maybe I just need a nap.

February 25, 2023

Catch-22.

Yesterday, our managing director sent out a survey to collect feedback about his town hall meeting. I noticed the feedback form records your email address with the feedback submission.

This situation created a catch-22. Honesty on my annual review’s self-evaluation created stress and anxiety for me because they want me to see I am “adding value.” If I don’t give feedback then he could walk to my desk (I sit next to his office) and ask me for feedback, on the spot.

The Catch-22 response.

Have a great weekend.

November 9, 2022

Yesterday, the company I work for sent an email about donations for their Holiday Giving Drive through pledges. During lunch, one of the executives conducted a hard sell to get those pledges from employees going to and from lunch. For one hour and fifteen minutes, I stayed hidden at my desk, waiting to use the bathroom.

Every day for the last three weeks, I have been listening to the new guy struggle with his training. Either his trainer is terrible at delivery, or the new guy is not a good fit. Either way, I want a new desk.

Today is my father’s birthday. He would have been 78 years old.

April 13, 2022

Yesterday, I had an interview due to happenstance. I have a couple of panel interviews this week, so we will see what happens. Things may once again come full circle.

I had my first one-on-one with the new Vice President of Global Customer Success. He was apologetical 20-minutes late. We discussed his observations during his visit last week. It seems he wants to do the right things. Then we discussed my role.

“We don’t know what to do with you,” is the feedback I received.

My role is broad and uncategorized. I reflect on the original job description that enticed my interest. How did I get here?

I have realized that people don’t know what they are doing, which often happens at every level. The sad part is that I don’t know how to help them without causing further damage to my mental health.

Memories

I stand in front of an audience being someone else, hoping to satisfy the subject matter experts. The lights illuminating the anxiety. The painful memories of repercussions for not doing my best.

“You’re lazy,” I’ve been told when wanting to express my creative soul. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I can’t answer the question. Expectations whispering in my ear.

Every moment is a reminder of the humiliation of my humanity. I suffer for the sake of kindness. My choices lead to tragedy. Is this my penance? I don’t know.

Thoughts and prayers provide no comfort nor bring back the dead. Hope can’t change this reality. My time is finite, the threshold of life at the edge of my feet.

These memories will soon be erased.

In the Distance

I thought things would get better as I got older. So much experience to make the journey easier. Then I realized, I should have changed my ways.

The world is a bully that torments me for decades. My experience doesn’t make up for my mental state that is withering away.

Familiarity is now in the distance. I don’t recognize this place. Anxiety occupies the space. There is no refuge for the one who is damaged, no rest for the one who is in despair.

I thought things would get better instead, I’m just getting older.

Fools

A sense of panic lingers. Words spewed to comfort. It’s not over. Garbled dreams and nightmares so vivid. Time is forced to rewind. We’ve shut our doors again.

In the Valley

This valley is void of life. My days are wasted and my nights are restless. I’m bankrupt because of good deeds. My thoughts gathered in an empty space. The shadows tell me there’s no reason to be here.

Variant

Our time collected things unchanged. This future abates.

2020

A sudden fracture within the norm gave way to an unexpected tragedy. A single infection shut down the world. Despite the unprecedented events, we sought peace and equality. Our reality is now planted in a virtual world. A King showed us the meaning of strength and commitment; a loss we cannot recover. Politicians forsaking the lives of a nation for personal gain. A journey without led to paths within. Every moment is a story we will not forget.

#Goodbye2020

Smoke and Ash

I performed a ritual
in the shadow of a new moon.
A burning sacrifice
to release the negativity.

I doubted the outcome.
In the wake of events,
maybe I was wrong
to have the disbelief.

Here

I am sitting beneath
the rain of contemplation,
wanting a relationship
free of ridiculous expectations.

I dream of nights
with intimate conversations.
I want to experience companionship
without stipulations.

I am longing for the sunshine.

The Void

From the equinox through the solstice, I’ve watched the passing of each new moon. So much of my time spent in darkness. I don’t know what to think anymore.

It’s a disturbing notion.

The abortion of love and compassion gives life to relentless greed. I watched the death of strangers and felt the weight of grief. My mind can’t process this reality.

I keep losing the words of a prayer. The sky reveals a suppressed sadness; a pending tragedy. There is no finale.

I’m not ready; I wish this would end so I can sleep again.

Defiance

Darkness recalls my fall into the open field of nightmares.

A bloody nose is an atrocity.  The unexpected heat against a sweaty brow; angst tempered by a gentle breeze on the neck.  How long have we been here?  This seemingly endless desert and the abandoned dwellings held in place by the naked cacti.  “What the hell happened?” Death dangles a tethered noose, taunting my spirit with the offer of a second chance—no justice for the imbalance of expectations; menageries, my dying wishes saturating the ground.  Ghosts are walking through this valley of death; their painful gestures are pointing to what could have been; wasted time into sifting dust.

A life spent inhaling the malevolent smoke and soot of toxic ideologies into my lungs, tasting the smoldering ash of anarchy.  I keep hearing multiple echoes from the past and present in my head.  My life is cancer, a piece of lethal flesh-eating away the optimism as catastrophes spread, contaminating the devotion within the center of humanity.    Self-judgment leads to a conviction, waiting amid oblivion, beneath the endless sky.  The familiar face of a demon holds the penance in exchange for an eternity with these bleeding thoughts.

Escape from this wretched place is nothing less than a miracle.  Begging for acceptance, within the sacred coven, prayers offered for fulfillment of a spirit left empty and cast aside—freedom removed by ignorance, the soul forsaken within the turmoil.  Something touched my face; it felt like a gentle kiss from her lips. All I want now is silence!!  I stopped listening to the noise because I accepted my fate.  Nothing left to do except lie in the warmth of this cerise immersion.  Everything I am and struggle to become is ending! “God, why did you bring me here?”

He doesn’t answer; he never does. When we meet face-to-face, I will use my last shallow breath to curse his name just before he turns my body to dust.

I’m going to die, and there is no one here to listen to my story.

Measured

I am fixated on a situation from long ago. That moment has become the standard of measure. Balance of thought consumed by the trauma. The scale unfairly weighs.

Behind Me

I struggle to sleep. Relaxation and empty thoughts are what I need. I want to dream again. I wander across the moments in my journal, looking for the turning point that brought me here. Looking back has become my default perspective; I don’t want to become a pillar of salt.

20-20

I watched the dawn with optimism — my hope for sunny days laid out in my dreams. I can feel my spirit contradict my desires because the world’s touch is abrasive. The wounds have blurred my vision. The Winter took its toll, but the groundhog predicted an early Spring.

Norms

Bad days. Chaos polluting my air. Anxiety restricting my common sense. I am hoping for the better, fighting to prevent the worse.

After Party

I waited for an angel. Time was ticking. They seated me with demons. Alone with my thoughts. The night lingered with a hefty price. It’s midnight, and the house is empty. Some spirits remained unseen. Dust covered my sunrise. Moments remain unchanged.